May 2023

Love and Growth
By Michaela Frydman

Ever since the secular New Year began, I’ve been seeing red everywhere I go. I’ve also been seeing pink, white, an abundance of teddy bears, balloons, and an increasing amount of chocolate candies. It’s official: Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. Another (far less advertised) holiday coming up is Tu BiSh’vat. But what do Valentine’s Day, Tu BiSh’vat, and Mental Health have to do with one another?

In his article titled, “A Jewish Valentines Day”, Rabbi Benjamin Blech writes, “Love, for at least one of the major Talmudic Sages (Hillel), represents the ultimate mitzvah.” Rabbi Blech goes on to connect Valentine’s Day to the verse in Leviticus (19:18) which reads “love your neighbor as yourself”, placing emphasis on the importance of first loving ourselves before we can truly love others. To do this, Rabbi Blech offers several anecdotes that tell of people who treat others poorly because they dislike themselves, or stories where someone has complete understanding and respect for their personal value which helps them easily navigate their relationships in the world. Sadly, self-love and self-respect can be extremely challenging goalsfor some, especially those who suffer from the effects of mental illness or who were raised in environments where they were not allowed to fully explore their individual identities.

This is where the lessons and practices surrounding Tu BiSh’vat come in. The Rabbis of the Talmud established Tu BiSh’vat as being the new year of the trees [Tu BiSh’vat is one of four established “new years”, the other three being a new year for the Jewish calendar date (aka Rosh Hashanah), a new year for establishing the reign of kings, and a new year for tithing the animals of Jewish farmers to be given to the Temple]. Tu BiSh’vat is all about celebrating and respecting the growth of trees, but nothing is stopping us from also learning from this holiday about how to celebrate and respect our own personal growth. Like all living things, human beings are constantly growing and, just as we act as stewards caring for the trees, we must also care for ourselves.

There are many tools we can use to begin cultivating self-care on our personal journeys towards self-love and self-respect. One of the most important tools is mindfulness. When we take a sip of water when feeling parched, that’s an act of self-care. When we try new things, like attending a Tu BiSh’vat Seder at Temple Isaiah on February 6th, that’s an act of personal growth worthy of celebration. When we reach out to friends or family for comfort, or we place our trust in the members of a support group, that is also an act of self-care, personal growth, and one might even call it an act of self-love.

As we approach Tu BiSh’vat and Valentine’s Day, may we all be mindful of our growth. We are, all of us, worthy of love and respect, just as every tree on our planet is worthy of celebration (even if they’re not being marketed by Hallmark).

Rabbi Benjamin Blech’s Article:
https://aish.com/a_jewish_valentines_day/

Tu BiSh’vat 101 from My Jewish Learning:
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/tu-bishvat-ideas-beliefs/

Mental Health Tu BiSh’vat Seder from The Blue Dove Foundation:
https://educator.jewishedproject.org/content/mental-health-tu-bishvat-seder

December 2022
December Holiday Challenges

“Happy Thanksgiving!”

“Happy Holidays!”

I don’t know about you, but that’s how I’ve been signing all my emails for the last few weeks. It’s that time of year. It’s the time of year that’s all about being with family and being happy, warm, and bright. I know for me though, there are lots of times during this season where I feel anything but those things. For me, it often feels like I have to keep a mask up and act happy and excited because everyone else is, because that’s how I’m supposed to feel during the holidays. I’ve felt disconnected and like an outsider because I feel depressed and anxious (and honestly, angry that I’m feeling depressed and anxious) when I’m supposed to be feeling happy and thankful. On top of that, I’ve had endless relatives asking me how I am, what I’ve been doing, and what my plans are for the future. It makes me incredibly anxious because half the time I don’t know, and the other half of the time, it isn’t the right venue to say “actually, I’m really depressed and want to go cry in the corner.” Those two experiences combined have left me completely drained and exhausted after holiday gatherings and I might be unable to do anything else for days after.

I felt like I was the only one dealing with issues like that over the holidays. Obviously, I knew that people get stressed with cooking, cleaning, and otherwise getting ready to host. But, it seems at least, that once the prep is done, they are actually able to enjoy the party. I’m a science person, and it really helped me feel less isolated when I saw that a study conducted by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 64% of people with mental illness report that the holidays make it worse.

Here is my advice: First, self-care is important. If you burn yourself out putting on a mask or pretending you’re ok when you’re not then you will no longer to be able to do things that matter; whether for yourself or for others. Second, a lot of people have trouble over the holidays. If you notice someone struggling, it may help them for you to check in. In fact, famous Jews have been thinking about those concepts for a long time. In Pirkei Avot (The Ethics of Our Fathers), Hillel said, “If I am not for me, who will be for me? And when I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, then when?”.

The word Chanukah translates to “dedication.” Which makes sense as part of what we celebrate is the rededication of the temple. So as we celebrate this year, let us also rededicate ourselves to our values. Take care of yourself. Reach out to others. Act now.

Here are a few Temple Isaiah event that bring may bring calm and connection :

• Every Friday at 12pm, WOI Connects Women Living Alone
• Every Saturday at 2pm, Sacred Chant Healing Circle
• 12/6 and 12/13 at 10am, Neshamah Yoga
• 12/11 at 3:00pm, Mental Health Support for Adults
• Zoom Candle Lighting 12/25 (the last night) at 6pm. 
• 12/26 at 7pm, Mental Health Support for Family Members

Other resources:
7 Strategies for holiday stress management/Newport Institute:
https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/holiday-stress-management/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=NI_performancemax&utm_term=&kpid=go_cmp-17672242732_adg-_ad-__dev-c_ext-_prd-&gclid=Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkpKGEBM-icAif77zz03bwFTO-_ivuESlUgLkP_UOollsX9n8ndXZxUaAl0eEALw_wcB

Stress, Depression and the Holidays/Mayo Clinic: 
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20047544

Fall 2022
This quarter our Spotlight tells the personal story of a young woman from our congregation who has been stuck, watching a vibrant world all around her while she struggles to engage. Her story may surprise us, but the overwhelming message is that there is hope and promise that this Rosh Hashanah she will emerge shouting and blasting like the shofar. Here is her story:

Depression isn’t something that anyone has for a specific reason. For me, there wasn’t a specific trigger, there wasn’t a list of traumas I’d lived through. I had a pretty great, fairly average life. Then, three weeks before I returned for my sophomore year of college I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I went back to school, and, while still weepy, I managed to go to classes and function to some extent. I started to see a therapist at school, who helped me figure out coping mechanisms and strategies that allowed me to function better and get what I needed to do, done.

Then, my depression started to shift. I wasn’t weepy all the time anymore. Instead, my energy, my motivation, and the amount of enjoyment I gained from things all decreased significantly. I continued to see my therapist weekly, but these mostly turned into venting sessions that I needed to get through the week. I have no doubt they kept me from further spiraling, but I wasn’t getting any better.

I had assumed that because my depression had such a sudden onset, it would go away fairly quickly as well. But it didn’t. I saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication for my depression. I spent years cycling through medication after medication in various combinations and none of them did anything to help. Part of what was so frustrating was that it can take 4-6 weeks for any given antidepressant to reach therapeutic levels in your system. Every time they changed my medication it would be weeks before I would even be able to tell if it was helping. 

I graduated college and I found a therapist back home. I tried different therapy techniques, both in groups and in private sessions, and sometimes they gave me some more helpful strategies for certain situations, but none of them really helped overall.

Sometimes I wondered if I even had depression because it presented so differently from what I had always heard. It wasn’t like I felt sad all the time; I just had no real energy or motivation. It was a struggle to get up and get moving and go about my day, but it wasn’t because I felt sad. I didn’t have depressive episodes that went away and came back, it was just this big long stretch of time—I had one depressive episode that just never ended.

After almost six years, I asked what other options I had. I could continue doing what I was doing, trying different medications, which wasn’t very likely to help. I found out that after failing three different classes of medications, which about two-thirds of people do, new medications were not likely to work. I could try clinical trials, which was not something I felt ready to do, though I greatly admire and appreciate the people that do participate in them. One of my last options was to undergo Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT), which was ultimately what I did.

I’m sure we’ve all heard horror stories about ECT, whether they’re from books like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, from social media, or from people we know. They perform ECT very differently now—they put you under general anesthesia and give you a muscle relaxant and a paralytic agent. Then, they run a brief current of electricity through your brain which induces a seizure. They repeat this every few days over the course of several weeks and then spread out the time in between sessions over the course of the next few months. I’m not going to lie, it was a really hard decision to make and I was really scared when I went in; I even take an anti-anxiety medication the morning of.

I’ve been going to ECT for several months now, and will continue to go for several more. Almost immediately I started to notice changes. I was sleeping better. I had more energy. It started to become easier to do small chores around the house, like making my bed in the morning or doing the dishes. People started to tell me that I seemed brighter, that I was smiling more. I’ve started to feel interested in things like auditions, looking for a job, and hanging out with friends. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful that I’m getting better, that I can not only see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m actually approaching it.

Blast and sound the shofar! “Sleepers, wake up from your slumber!“ We will rejoice at the gift this Rosh Hashanah brings and the hope and promise of a vibrant New Year!

Let’s Learn To Live And Thrive With Covid
by Diana MaKieve

I think everyone is tired of hiding behind our doors because of the fear of getting Covid. Yet it’s clear that the virus is not going to disappear as we all hoped. We just crossed the 1 million death milestone. How do we even get our heads around 1 million deaths and how do we understand the grief and sadness that number has caused? And it appears that we are in another surge, and yes, it’s true that not as many people are dying from the latest variants but we know more people in our families and social community that have gotten sick with Covid in the last months than in the prior 2 years. Even if we don’t die from Covid because of less deadly strains emerging, or Vaccines and boosters as well as anti viral medications, what are the life long implications? Flying laws are changing daily, and most national airlines are currently not requiring masks while flying. And, I’m still afraid.

This is our Conflict: Are we safe? Can we emerge into a world that still has an active mutating covid presence? Is it possible to downplay our fear of covid to accept that we may get sick for a week or so and survive- that this is our new world? And, can we freely travel without the fear of having one of those sick weeks happen in the middle of a vacation where you may not feel safe?

Let’s take a look at an expert and see what she has to say about out future. This Q&A featured Kizzmekia Corbett, assistant professor of immunology and infectious diseases, who helped develop the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine while working at the National Institutes of Health’s Vaccine Research Center.

From your vantage point,where do you think the pandemic is going? “The pandemic is not going away for some time on a global scale. I think that the virus, there’s going to be some level of predictability in the cadence of waves as we start to understand variants a little more and we start to understand waning immunity, temperature dependence, and all of these things a little bit more. And then the pandemic is going to go into some seasonality. The type of relief that we’re feeling right now is the same kind of relief we were feeling last year this time. And I expect that to be the same thing next year and the year after.”

Asked her main takeaway from the pandemic, Corbett said, “Probably that you shouldn’t take anything for granted. That the way that we live and the way that we assume that there will be a vaccine or a therapy, or there will be something at the end of the road for us because we’ve kind of sat in this bubble of privilege—I think that the pandemic really washed a lot of structural problems ashore.”

This scientist’s view echos much of what I have read and learned from our scientific community. The Pandemic is something we need to learn to live with. We aren’t going to have an endemic any time soon. It sounds like we will have waves of various variants, some seasonal and some waves that are less predictable. We don’t really know if the variants will become less deadly or only less deadly because we will have improved our vaccines, boosters and antiviral medication. We need to find a way to live this future, adapt to levels of safety that make sense and assume that members of our family and good friends may get sick and that we may be exposed. We may need to accept some risk to continue living our lives and raising our children and grandchildren.

So what does that mean, to accept some risk?

How to Avoid Getting Covid in a Mostly Mask-Free World By Lisa Jarvis

Some take aways from the article include: Assess your ventilation situation to make good choices- Wear your mask on the airplane when the ventilation system is off such as during boarding and waiting. Once flying the air flow in most airlines is pretty good. Wear your mask in any crowded and not well ventilated situation. Choose a well fitting N95 to be sure you have the best chance. Choose to sit outdoor rather than sit elbow to elbow with other strangers indoors at a restaurant. It’s spring so plan outdoor picnics and hikes rather than movie theaters unless it’s well ventilated and sparsely attended. Sports arenas, concert venues, and even shopping centers may have great ventilation and/or air conditioners blasting to keep the air moving. Get vaccinated and boosted: “Beyond lowering the risk of severe disease, scientists have found that it improves the potency and breadth of the memory immune cells so they are better equipped against new variants.”

Also, be smart about attending family gatherings, reunions, and events. Find out if invitees are asked to show their vaccination cards. Get a sense of how ventilated the space will be - windows open? fans running? or air-conditioning moving the air. There is nothing wrong with calling the host/hostess and asking. At least you can then assess the risk and make an informed decision to protect yourself and loved ones.

Organize play dates with your children at sports fields or playgrounds. Children love jungle gyms, swings and slides, but there are many outdoor games that don’t require extensive equipment. Here are a couple of websites with game ideas, both classic and novel for you to help get your children started playing outside.

https://www.wired.com/2009/08/simpleoutdoorplay/

https://www.performancehealth.com/articles/33-fun-outdoor-games-for-kids

We have learned to adjust to many new realities and this is one more. We have to be smart and assess our environment for safe air to breath. We can party, celebrate, laugh and love in safety. Greg Marcus, author of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, teaches about Equanimity and “the right amount of worry.” This is our new world and we want to live and thrive with the right amount of worry!

Mental Health Month
May is Mental Health Month, established in 1949 to raise awareness of trauma and the impact it can have on the physical, emotional, and mental well-being of children, families, and communities. Temple Isaiah’s Mental Health and Wellness taskforce (formerly P’tach Libeynu: Open Our Hearts) has worked diligently and creatively to assess and meet the mental health needs of our community since its establishment in 2009. One of our very first goals was to fight against the stigma of mental illness. While this is still at the heart of our taskforce, witnessing the impact of Covid-19 over the past few years has amplified the importance of providing opportunities for everyone to improve their overall mental health and well-being. In honor and support of Mental Health Month, we are pleased to provide a variety of events for our community this month.

CANCELLED-Putting Colors to Emotions with Heather Howe
Thursday, May 12, 7-8:30 p.m.,TTC 205 Art Room
In this art class, JQuest Omanut teacher Heather Howe will guide us through artistic expression, reflection, and peace. Materials will be provided. Limited to 20 participants.

Mindfulness in Nature with Jon and Michaela
Sunday, May 15 and 22, 2 p.m., Lower Lot Bus Shelter
Led by Jon Rothstein and Michaela Frydman, we will use Jewish values and illuminating quotations to guide our practice of mindfulness as we enjoy nature on a walk to the Lafayette Reservoir. (If you are unable to attend but would like the readings, contact Michaela at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).)

RSVP Here

A New Kind of Mindfulness with Sara Duckler
Wednesday, May 25, 7- 8:30 p.m., Hamakom Garden
Join us for “Living and Laughing in the Moment! Easy Improv Games in a Supportive Group Setting.” TI member Sara Duckler will lead us in a series of easy, short, noncompetitive, spontaneous games. Sitting back and watching is also an option – you only play the games that you want to play. What better way to connect than to relax, laugh, and be yourself in community? It’s all about learning to listen, accept and build something bigger and better, together. Limited to 14 participants.

RSVP Here

Neshamah Yoga with Kendra Fried
Our mindful movement instructor Kendra Fried has created a special series of YouTube videos to help support mental, physical, and spiritual wellness with mind-body practice techniques for depression, anxiety, and mood-balancing. Access them at youtube.com/tijewishneighborhood.

Questions? Contact the Temple Isaiah office at 925-283-8575 or .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

What Do Passover and Mental Health Have in Common?
By Kendra Fried of Neshamah Yoga & Wellness

“Passover, or Pesach in Hebrew, is a Jewish holiday that commemorates the story of the ancient Israelites’ exodus from slavery in Egypt. On Pesach each year, Jews around the world not only remember, but also retell the story of the exodus from Egypt. The story of the exodus is the archetypal model of redemption for the Jewish people. In Hebrew, the word for Egypt is “mitzrayim,” which means narrow straits or places of constriction. This journey to freedom involves the transformative process of moving from the narrow place out into the openness of the desert, the uncharted wilderness that is both uncertain and rich with possibilities.”  ~Vanderbilt University

From a mental health perspective, mitzrayim can be compared to the habitual, unhealthy patterns in our thinking - those thoughts or habits that keep us feeling enslaved.  Freedom can be perceived as the neuroplasticity of our brains, which allows for windows to open up to new vistas of possibility, supporting our mental health.  From an evolutionary standpoint, our brains are wired for survival.  Which means we will always look for the danger in a situation, or what the worst-case scenario might be.

There is a lovely poem in the “Mi Chamocha” section of our siddur that I find to be both thought-provoking and relevant in the exploration of how the Passover story may inspire us to cultivate mental health in our modern lives:

Standing on the parted shores of history,
we still believe what we were taught
before ever we stood at Sinai:
That wherever we are, it is eternally Egypt
That there is a better place, a Promised Land;
That the winding way to that promise passes through the wilderness
That there is no way to get from here to there
Except by joining hands,
Marching together.

Psychologist and author Dr. Rick Hansen, expert in the practical science of lasting happiness, says that the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. For every 1 negative experience that effects our brain, it takes 3 positive experiences to tip the scales to neutral, if you will.  In this way, as the poem states, “Wherever we are, it is eternally Egypt.”  However, there is a better place.  The human brain has tremendous capacity to learn and pick up information about how to cope, adapt, and overcome.  The brain finds its way, through the expanse of our neural pathways, to the Promised Land: the land of resilience, self-acceptance, and holistic well-being. 

There are many self-care activities that can take us on the journey toward inner freedom and mental wellness. One of the most important steps is learning to develop deep compassion for whatever “wilderness” in which you may find yourself.  Some other supportive actions include:
• Engaging in positive social interactions (marching together)
• Participating in novel activities
• Engaging in play
• Being enriched by stimulating environments
• Practicing and repeating positive activities—even mentally rehearsing them
• Engaging in mental training strategies such as mindfulness meditation
• Developing a sense of purpose in life.

We are here because our ancestors had the courage to leave behind the land of limitation, (which was miserable yet familiar) and step into uncharted territory, rich with possibilities.  May we draw strength from each other as we continue to wind our way through our individual and collective wilderness.  As we plant and water seeds that cultivate well-being in the present moment, we can be sure that they will continue to bloom, l’dor v’dor, for generations to come.
 
For a more in-depth look at areas of interest, visit the following links:
Neural Plasticity: 4 Steps to Change Your Brain and Habits
4 Ways to Boost Your Self-Compassion
Brains: Journey to Resilience (7 min video, entertaining and informative)
Reflections on Passover and Mental Health from a Parent’s Perspective

Purim, Bullies, and becoming the Upstander
As we make (and eat!) hamantaschen, decorate our masks, and prepare for a holiday that commands us to celebrate triumph over a bully, let us also take a closer look at one of our staple Purim Spiel objects: the grogger. During the reading of Megillat Ester, it is customary to stomp our feet, shout, and shake our groggers every time Hamman’s name is mentioned. New England author Martha Seif Simpson uses the story of Purim to inspire modern children to think of different ways we can counter bullies in her children’s book, Esther’s Gragger: A Toyshop Tale of Purim. The story centers on a young girl named Esther who, after doing many good deeds, is given a magnificent gragger by her brother. Later in the story, when she gets bullied, Esther takes her gragger and swings it around and around to drown out the bully. Forget about the drawn swords and the pointed words. Esther discovers that a noisemaker in the right hands is enough to quash the meanest bully.

To first be able to call out and stand up to bullies (whether it’s in the office or on the playground), it is important to make sure we fully understand what a bully is while recognizing the impact bullying can have on our community’s culture.

Introduction to the Concept of Bullying
by Hugh Winig M.D

Let’s start with a clear definition of the word bullying: “the act of a mean or predatory person who intimidates, abuses, or harasses people who are unlikely to defend themselves.” This behavior can occur simply on the playground between children of differing positions of strength with relatively minor consequences or can extend all the way to eventual fatal consequences upon the weaker person due to the chronic abuse by the abuser.

Think about the use of racial slurs in this country as a means of demonizing and bullying people with different skin colors and you can see the ongoing damage it can do and has done. This happens as well with demonizing someone for their religious beliefs with religious slurs. The impact of such behaviors is tearing at the seams of our own country right now, rather than building communities of trust where all peoples are seen as equal, rather than the practice of “tribalism.”

Toxic words like those expressed when bullying someone are attempts to marginalize, isolate, segregate, and dehumanize the “other”. And they can lead to something well beyond what people might imagine when one might simply express the retort “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”!

One can easily assess for themselves how destructive it can be to intimidate or harass people for no reason other than they may look different than you or be in a position of weakness and not able to defend themselves. Bullying should be taken seriously whenever or wherever it may arise and not just brushed aside or ignored. Its expression of hate is insidious and can have significant destructive potential. The behavior should be confronted and/or reported to those in a position to deal effectively with the perpetrator before the expressed hate evolves into something out of control.

For parents of a child who reports being bullied, the particulars are important to assess in advising that child how to protect themselves. It might even require removing the victim from the school or situation when the authorities cannot effectively protect the person from being bullied. But it should not be ignored without risking long term negative psychological or physical consequences to the victim.

In today’s world, bullying often can even occur on the internet where salacious photos or sexual comments about a person are displayed and distributed widely. There have even been cases of suicide that have occurred because of the victim feeling helpless to remedy the destruction of their reputation due to this modern type of bullying.

Step 1 is to identify the reality of the behavior and make sure it is not a misunderstanding. Step 2, assuming the validity and potentially destructive pattern of such behavior is established, is to address it forcefully to the appropriate authorities if the person being bullied is unable to confront it successfully themself.

It is important to remember that bullying is not always just a trivial playground, casual, or on-line behavior to be overlooked, because it can potentially lead to devasting and irreparable damage!

Bullying: Tactics, Roles and Culture
by Jon Rothstein

Bullying does not just happen in the school yard. It is a complex human behavior that can be embedded in any social organization. To systematically stop this behavior, we must not only understand what it is and who is involved. We must shine the light on the cultural mechanics that reinforce this behavior.

Tactics: The criteria for bullying involves the hostile use of an imbalance of physical or social power repeatedly over an extended period of time. The easiest to spot are physical attacks to one’s body or possessions. Verbal assaults include nicknaming, mocking, or spreading rumors. Nonverbal bullying is far more subtle and sophisticated. The use of body language such as condescending facial expressions and other micro behaviors can have a significant impact on a person’s feelings of being excluded. 

Lastly, collective bullying or mobbing, uses many of these tactics to promote and reinforce a shared undesirable perception of a particular target. This can happen in any context whether it be at home, in school, online, or at the workplace. The development of this tactic in the workplace is usually not overt and therefore it can continue for a long time.  Mobbing can start off simply with gossip and negative labels. This can give way to accusations and then formal charges.  Investigations become secretive and deceptive. The target can become exhausted and frightened while the whole workplace feels tension and fear with resulting cognitive dissonance and compliance.

Roles: Many roles are played by individuals involved in the bullying process. Bullies see themselves as better than others. They use the differences they see in others, such as social class, race, religion, appearance, reputation, gender, and sexual orientation, and then focus on associated myths and stereotypes to create this false logic to believe in. This is done to deal with their inflated but fragile egos. Bullies are frequently offended by criticism and lack of deference. They can be arrogant, narcissistic, and hold on to envy and resentment.  They also project their own feelings of shame, anxiety, vulnerability, and insecurity on to their targets. Accomplices may also assist and join in for the same reasons. Bystanders unintentionally provide implicit approval. Unknowingly, the bully, accomplice, bystander, and target may share a lack of emotional intelligence that could be used to deal with such difficult social situations. It is the upstander who has their own friendship and support groups as well as emotional intelligence to understand the gravity of what is going on and is therefore courageous enough to intervene and get help. Unfortunately, anyone has the capacity to play all of these roles in any particular context. For this reason, behavior and emotional intelligence of the individual should be the focus as labels send the message that behavior cannot change.

Culture: To truly change behavior, we must change social expectations and rewards. Bullying is self-reinforcing. Elevated peer status, approval, attention, and in some instances being rewarded with more power only serve to boost the well-being of the bully.

As a society, do we focus on retaliation or compassion? Although bullies must be made accountable for their actions, we must remember that they operate from a place of pain. They lack self-confidence and feel that their happiness must be achieved at the expense of others.  Severe reprimand and suspension only reinforce their belief that they are being treated unfairly and the cycle of retaliation continues. Can we see past the label of bully and model for them what compassion is by helping them learn about emotional intelligence and its much deeper and satisfying rewards?

How deep is this behavior of exclusion rooted in our culture? Living in such a hyper-individualized society, members begin to see relationships as a means to satisfy needs or even getting in the way of those needs. Stratification of groups take hold and difference becomes a threat. The pressure to be better than the rest leads to separation to individuation and then hyper-competition. This intense competition further reinforces the use of exclusion. The resulting chronic stress is not only felt by everyone it also causes the survival instinct to take over and amplify fear and resulting behavior.

How do we get out of this downward spiral? We must focus on being a cooperative society.  Differentiation rather than separation must be the unifying construct. Here, differences are seen as an asset with a goal of being the best one can be rather than being better than others.  Belonging to a larger interconnected web of people creates stronger relationships that build memories of acceptance and inclusion which become the foundation for increasing emotional intelligence for all. Everyone in a cooperative society is needed to succeed. This includes the victim, the upstander and bystander, the accomplice, and yes even the bully.

Content obtained from the following references/articles:
The Silent Bully | Psychology Today
What is bullying? | preventingbullying.promoteprevent.org
Everyone Loves a Bully | Psychology Today
Workplace Culture & Bullying | Mental Health America (mhanational.org)
Putting an End to Bullying Without Bullying | Psychology Today
Bullying - Wikipedia
When the Boss Is a Bully | Psychology Today
Building a Culture of Bullies: Chronic judging builds a culture of ‘us’ and ‘them’ and a world of pain. - WCW’s Women Change Worlds Blog | Wellesley Centers for Women (wcwonline.org)
What is bullying? (education.vic.gov.au)
Three Faces of Bullying | Psychology Today