March 2022
Purim, Bullies, and becoming the Upstander
As we make (and eat!) hamantaschen, decorate our masks, and prepare for a holiday that commands us to celebrate triumph over a bully, let us also take a closer look at one of our staple Purim Spiel objects: the grogger. During the reading of Megillat Ester, it is customary to stomp our feet, shout, and shake our groggers every time Hamman’s name is mentioned. New England author Martha Seif Simpson uses the story of Purim to inspire modern children to think of different ways we can counter bullies in her children’s book, Esther’s Gragger: A Toyshop Tale of Purim. The story centers on a young girl named Esther who, after doing many good deeds, is given a magnificent gragger by her brother. Later in the story, when she gets bullied, Esther takes her gragger and swings it around and around to drown out the bully. Forget about the drawn swords and the pointed words. Esther discovers that a noisemaker in the right hands is enough to quash the meanest bully.
To first be able to call out and stand up to bullies (whether it’s in the office or on the playground), it is important to make sure we fully understand what a bully is while recognizing the impact bullying can have on our community’s culture.
Introduction to the Concept of Bullying
by Hugh Winig M.D
Let’s start with a clear definition of the word bullying: “the act of a mean or predatory person who intimidates, abuses, or harasses people who are unlikely to defend themselves.” This behavior can occur simply on the playground between children of differing positions of strength with relatively minor consequences or can extend all the way to eventual fatal consequences upon the weaker person due to the chronic abuse by the abuser.
Think about the use of racial slurs in this country as a means of demonizing and bullying people with different skin colors and you can see the ongoing damage it can do and has done. This happens as well with demonizing someone for their religious beliefs with religious slurs. The impact of such behaviors is tearing at the seams of our own country right now, rather than building communities of trust where all peoples are seen as equal, rather than the practice of “tribalism.”
Toxic words like those expressed when bullying someone are attempts to marginalize, isolate, segregate, and dehumanize the “other”. And they can lead to something well beyond what people might imagine when one might simply express the retort “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”!
One can easily assess for themselves how destructive it can be to intimidate or harass people for no reason other than they may look different than you or be in a position of weakness and not able to defend themselves. Bullying should be taken seriously whenever or wherever it may arise and not just brushed aside or ignored. Its expression of hate is insidious and can have significant destructive potential. The behavior should be confronted and/or reported to those in a position to deal effectively with the perpetrator before the expressed hate evolves into something out of control.
For parents of a child who reports being bullied, the particulars are important to assess in advising that child how to protect themselves. It might even require removing the victim from the school or situation when the authorities cannot effectively protect the person from being bullied. But it should not be ignored without risking long term negative psychological or physical consequences to the victim.
In today’s world, bullying often can even occur on the internet where salacious photos or sexual comments about a person are displayed and distributed widely. There have even been cases of suicide that have occurred because of the victim feeling helpless to remedy the destruction of their reputation due to this modern type of bullying.
Step 1 is to identify the reality of the behavior and make sure it is not a misunderstanding. Step 2, assuming the validity and potentially destructive pattern of such behavior is established, is to address it forcefully to the appropriate authorities if the person being bullied is unable to confront it successfully themself.
It is important to remember that bullying is not always just a trivial playground, casual, or on-line behavior to be overlooked, because it can potentially lead to devasting and irreparable damage!
Bullying: Tactics, Roles and Culture
by Jon Rothstein
Bullying does not just happen in the school yard. It is a complex human behavior that can be embedded in any social organization. To systematically stop this behavior, we must not only understand what it is and who is involved. We must shine the light on the cultural mechanics that reinforce this behavior.
Tactics: The criteria for bullying involves the hostile use of an imbalance of physical or social power repeatedly over an extended period of time. The easiest to spot are physical attacks to one’s body or possessions. Verbal assaults include nicknaming, mocking, or spreading rumors. Nonverbal bullying is far more subtle and sophisticated. The use of body language such as condescending facial expressions and other micro behaviors can have a significant impact on a person’s feelings of being excluded.
Lastly, collective bullying or mobbing, uses many of these tactics to promote and reinforce a shared undesirable perception of a particular target. This can happen in any context whether it be at home, in school, online, or at the workplace. The development of this tactic in the workplace is usually not overt and therefore it can continue for a long time. Mobbing can start off simply with gossip and negative labels. This can give way to accusations and then formal charges. Investigations become secretive and deceptive. The target can become exhausted and frightened while the whole workplace feels tension and fear with resulting cognitive dissonance and compliance.
Roles: Many roles are played by individuals involved in the bullying process. Bullies see themselves as better than others. They use the differences they see in others, such as social class, race, religion, appearance, reputation, gender, and sexual orientation, and then focus on associated myths and stereotypes to create this false logic to believe in. This is done to deal with their inflated but fragile egos. Bullies are frequently offended by criticism and lack of deference. They can be arrogant, narcissistic, and hold on to envy and resentment. They also project their own feelings of shame, anxiety, vulnerability, and insecurity on to their targets. Accomplices may also assist and join in for the same reasons. Bystanders unintentionally provide implicit approval. Unknowingly, the bully, accomplice, bystander, and target may share a lack of emotional intelligence that could be used to deal with such difficult social situations. It is the upstander who has their own friendship and support groups as well as emotional intelligence to understand the gravity of what is going on and is therefore courageous enough to intervene and get help. Unfortunately, anyone has the capacity to play all of these roles in any particular context. For this reason, behavior and emotional intelligence of the individual should be the focus as labels send the message that behavior cannot change.
Culture: To truly change behavior, we must change social expectations and rewards. Bullying is self-reinforcing. Elevated peer status, approval, attention, and in some instances being rewarded with more power only serve to boost the well-being of the bully.
As a society, do we focus on retaliation or compassion? Although bullies must be made accountable for their actions, we must remember that they operate from a place of pain. They lack self-confidence and feel that their happiness must be achieved at the expense of others. Severe reprimand and suspension only reinforce their belief that they are being treated unfairly and the cycle of retaliation continues. Can we see past the label of bully and model for them what compassion is by helping them learn about emotional intelligence and its much deeper and satisfying rewards?
How deep is this behavior of exclusion rooted in our culture? Living in such a hyper-individualized society, members begin to see relationships as a means to satisfy needs or even getting in the way of those needs. Stratification of groups take hold and difference becomes a threat. The pressure to be better than the rest leads to separation to individuation and then hyper-competition. This intense competition further reinforces the use of exclusion. The resulting chronic stress is not only felt by everyone it also causes the survival instinct to take over and amplify fear and resulting behavior.
How do we get out of this downward spiral? We must focus on being a cooperative society. Differentiation rather than separation must be the unifying construct. Here, differences are seen as an asset with a goal of being the best one can be rather than being better than others. Belonging to a larger interconnected web of people creates stronger relationships that build memories of acceptance and inclusion which become the foundation for increasing emotional intelligence for all. Everyone in a cooperative society is needed to succeed. This includes the victim, the upstander and bystander, the accomplice, and yes even the bully.
Content obtained from the following references/articles:
The Silent Bully | Psychology Today
What is bullying? | preventingbullying.promoteprevent.org
Everyone Loves a Bully | Psychology Today
Workplace Culture & Bullying | Mental Health America (mhanational.org)
Putting an End to Bullying Without Bullying | Psychology Today
Bullying - Wikipedia
When the Boss Is a Bully | Psychology Today
Building a Culture of Bullies: Chronic judging builds a culture of ‘us’ and ‘them’ and a world of pain. - WCW’s Women Change Worlds Blog | Wellesley Centers for Women (wcwonline.org)
What is bullying? (education.vic.gov.au)
Three Faces of Bullying | Psychology Today